-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS (COAS) BECOME ISOLATED AND AFRAID OF PEOPLE
AND AUTHORITY FIGURES.
COA’s are always surprised when an authority figure
recognizes, agrees, compliments them, or says “yes.” COA’s
would rather go without, do without or make do for
themselves rather than ask an authority figure for
assistance. COA’s approach authority figures anxiously.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS BECOME APPROVAL SEEKERS AND LOOSE THEIR
IDENTITY IN THE PROCESS.
COA’s seek approval all the time. They need a lot
of it; and if they do not get the approval they need, they
will get angry.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS ARE FRIGHTENED BY ANGRY PEOPLE AND ANY
PERSONAL CRITICISM.
COA’s hate criticism, and they spend a lot of time
and energy performing to be “beyond reproach.”
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS BECOME ALCOHOLICS, MARRY THEM -- OR BOTH -- OR
THEY FIND ANOTHER COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY SUCH AS A
WORKAHOLIC TO FULFILL THEIR NEED TO ATTACH.
COA’s are at high risk of becoming alcoholics
themselves. This is because of their genetic predisposition
and the role modeling they received as children. Because of
family patterns, COA’s are often attracted to other
alcoholics and will often marry them. Taking care of an
alcoholic, and living in an alcoholic relationship are
familiar and easy patterns for them to repeat.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS LIVE LIFE FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF HELPING AND
SEEKING VICTIMS, AND ARE ATTRACTED BY THAT WEAKNESS IN THEIR
LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RELATIONSHIPS.
COA’s learn early in life what it is like to be a
victim, what jt is like to take care of a victim. Again,
they repeat these patterns of behavior in adulthood.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS HAVE AN OVERDEVELOPED SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY
AND IT IS EASIER FOR THEM TO BE CONCERNED WITH OTHERS’
PROBLEMS RATHER THAN THEIR OWN. THIS PROCESS ENABLES THEM TO
NOT HAVE TO EXAMINE THEIR OWN FAULTS TOO CLOSELY.
By constantly looking outside of themselves, COA’s
conveniently avoid the pain and other feelings locked up
within their own selves. COA’s will often enter
helping-types of professions, and it is important that COA’s
in such positions seek professional help to explore the
effects of alcoholism upon their lives.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS HAVE GUILT FEELINGS WHEN THEY STAND UP FOR
THEMSELVES, SO INSTEAD, THEY GIVE TO OTHERS.
COA’s often believe that they do not deserve to be
happy, or that they are worthwhile people. Their self-esteem
is often extremely low. When coupled with the other
conflicts that they have with authority figures and
relationships, they will more often then not choose to back
down from and argument or choose not to express their needs
and desires.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS BECOME ADDICTED TO EXCITEMENT.
COA’s have a hard time feeling naturally good, and
therefore they become attached to people, places, and
activities that excite them and bring them pleasure, Such
excitement attachments may include relationships,
burglarizing, vandalism, or high-risk activities such as
driving fast and parachuting.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS CONFUSE LOVE WITH PITY AND TEND TO “LOVE”
PEOPLE THEY CAN “PITY OR “RESCUE”
COA’s are experienced caretakers and tend to get
involved in relationships in which they can maintain that
role. They confuse “loving” with “mothering.”
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS HAVE LEARNED TO DENY THEIR FEELINGS FROM THEIR
EARLY CHILDHOOD, AND THEY HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO FEEL OR
TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS.
After enough trauma, COA’s learn to cut themselves
off from their feelings. They will report not having any
feelings or that they feel disconnected from their feelings.
They will often report confusion when asked about their
feelings. This is a defense mechanism that helps protect
them from being in too much pain.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS JUDGE THEMSELVES HARSHLY AND HAVE A VERY LOW
SENSE OF SELF-ESTEEM. SOMETIMES THEIR LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS
COMPENSATED FOR BY TRYING TO ACT SUPERIOR TO OTHERS.
COA’s never feel as though they measure up to their
own standards. It stops them from asserting their needs
because they do not feel as though they deserve even the
most basic of wants. Low self-esteem also keeps them from
trying new things or from leaving bad relationships.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS ARE DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES WHO ARE TERRIFIED
OF ABANDONMENT. THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO HOLD ON TO A
RELATIONSHIP IN ORDER NOT TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF
ABANDONMENT. THEY ARE CONDITIONED TO THESE TYPES OF
RELATIONSHIPS, AND WILL REPEAT THEM IN ADULTHOOD.
COA’s are dependent personalities, and yet they
have often not even identified this or their feelings of
being terrified of being abandoned. They will often
romanticize their relationships, and stay in relationships
when they know they are bad for them.
-
ALCOHOLISM IS A FAMILY DISEASE, AND IT AFFECTS THE PARENTS,
SPOUSE, AND CHILDREN OF THE ALCOHOLIC.
A family is a dynamic system of
inter-relationships. One person’s behavior affects all the
others in some way (even if they deny this). COA’s are often
greatly effected by their parent’s drinking,
self-destructive behavior, and lack of responsibility. The
family members, especially the children, need treatment as
much as the alcoholic.
-
CHILDREN
OF ALCOHOLICS ARE REACTORS RATHER THAN ACTORS.
COA’s are not original, spontaneous, or initiating.
They often feel full of responsibility, and have a difficult
time having fun and enjoying themselves. They are often
followers rather than leaders, and more easily susceptible
to peer pressure.
